sorry darling. i blame myself for all the shit you saw as you were growing up, the violence the bullshit i was doing in wolves, i thought a couple o holidays a year was doing my kids a great service when you saw me fighting saw our door kicked in more times than i can care to remember knives held to your mums throat and mine all the time i was oblivious to the harm all this crap was doing to my kids. i loved you more than the world like i do with lauren now, you could always twist me round your finger, yet my last words to you were "fcukin everytime you come here" when you asked for an ambulance and i will never forgive myself ever for that but it was 5 in morning n id just got to sleep n i needed to tek my morphine b4 i was ok but i should have held you n told you how much i loved you. im haunted by those words. then i sent your mum to wolves n i had to identify my lovely daughter and they hadnt even bothered to remove all the tubes n my girl was lay there. then in a daze i had to go to coroners n tell them what to do with any tissue samples they took at autopsy ?? how the fcuk could i answer that insensitive bastards. then took nita to help make you look nice at undertakers n the bastards didn even bother n you really looked bad it cracked me up immediately im fuckin haunted by all this i dont think in the end i was tough enough to do what i had to do but i couldn let you down again i already had for a big part of your life with my bullshit. it took me back the state of your skin n you looked in pain not at peace.i stroked your eyebrows like i did when you were a baby but you were cold. the make up was hard to put on cos you were so cold and cos your skin was really bad. we did it but my memories of you are of tubes etc in hospital lying there i wanted them to try harder but it was too late by then, i wanted to punch every doctor there the bastards had let you die. then the best part o this shit, they told me they had taken just slivers of tissue, they give me the autopsy report n iv gotta be careful what i say here cos i can never show it to the rest o family but it seems they lied, i even know the weight of each of your organs each n every 1 so they butchered my girl n they didn prepare me for that n im crying now even thinking about it, if lauren wasnt here id be with you now and i hope i am soon. as soon as laurens ok i dont wanna go on in this bullshit false fucking world of twats n lying scum. sorry bab n i love you , you knew it i hope, my heart hurts n i mean physical pain like you wont believe, i never thought anything could hurt like this. xxxxxxx